When reports started appearing in news outlets and science journals about erratic behavior associated with honeybees in Essex County in upstate New York, it was not surprising that the general consensus, world-wide, was that it was yet another sign of climate change. The reality of climate change had become so incredibly obvious that it was getting harder and harder to be a denier. If someone asked, “Do you believe in climate change?” a logical comeback might be, “Do you believe you’re going to die some day?” Believing in climate change had become no different than believing the Earth is round or that the Moon isn’t made of green cheese. Even if you were not exposed to shrinking ice caps, rising sea levels or so called “100 year storms” (that were cropping up two, three, sometimes four times a season!), you couldn’t ignore the fact that winters were getting milder and spring was coming earlier to your neck of the woods, which had previously been uniformly harsh for as long as people had talked about the weather. While at first blush milder winters here and there might not sound that horrible, they were another signal that the whole planet was undergoing a metamorphosis that would soon be catastrophic to every species on our delicate orb.

         Though climate change was assumed responsible for “Bee Baffle” (a kid came up with the title and somehow it stuck), nobody was quite sure exactly what the link was. Some times when there is a peculiar phenomenon of this variety, it might affect a large population. That was not the case in this instance. Someone noticed something odd when they opened a container of locally sourced honeycomb at a mom and pop store in Witherbee, a small town not far from Route 87. Before long, as media outlets in the area picked up the story, other folks began to turn up similar batches, but it appeared to be a very new and very confined occurrence. When the statisticians applied their craft, they determined the anomaly began within three months of the first batch’s discovery and so far only affected about a third of eastern Essex County. It takes a lot of imagination to visualize it, but each compartment in the Bee Baffle honeycomb had an extra side. Instead of a myriad of hexagons, the “infected” honey (a term that was bandied about for a while and eventually dropped when it was determined that the honey was the same as that from “normal” bee farms) was made up of a hodgepodge of heptagons. The effect was downright mesmerizing once the viewer got over the initial shock of seeing something so beguiling.

          The office of the New York State Pollinator Protection Plan was inundated with requests for an explanation, but they were just as bewildered as the scientists and populace at large. Every conceivable facet of climate change that might possibly offer a solution, no matter how tenuous, was explored in depth. Scientists from every nation showed up in Essex County with theories that ran the gamut from reasonably plausible to bat guano crazy. Bee Baffle was the ultimate head scratcher for news cycle after news cycle. Someone remembered an incident that had occurred in relatively nearby Port Henry roughly ten years earlier and suggested there might be some connection. A business was busted for manufacturing LSD on a very large scale and rumors circulated for months that they had stored a vast supply of the heady stuff in an underground warehouse somewhere, but nothing was ever found. Experts assured everyone that even if there had been tons of LSD stored in underground vats, and it had begun to leak, it would have dissipated and lost so much strength after ten years that it would not have a significant effect on any living creature. Once the proverbial genie was out of the bottle, though, the LSD concept received more credence than any other hypothesis by an enormous margin. No traces of acid were ever found in any honey or any bees that have been examined to date. If any LSD were ever detected, the most likely source would undoubtedly be from amateur “scientists” performing zany experiments after the fact.

         The Bee Baffle saga reached its peak when a movie crew appeared and set out to do a documentary. They assembled a ragtag team of bee enthusiasts, open-minded scientists, computer geeks and local theater actors. “Bee Baffle – The Documentary” was going to be a blockbuster!  After a few weeks of shooting uninspired footage, however, someone said, “Hey, why don’t we ask the bees what is going on?” The idea seemed so ludicrous at first that everyone had a rollicking good laugh, including the knucklehead who brought it up. In time though, every single person that had signed on to the project decided it was not as crazy a concept as first thought. A couple linguists joined the group and Isabella Rossellini was asked to bring her expertise onboard. It has been common knowledge for a very long time that bees communicate with each other. A bee might find an exceptional supply of pollen far from its home and return to the hive to share the choice location with their buds. The method of imparting the info is an elaborate dance. Everyone on the film set watched videos of various bees doing their instructive dances and all were encouraged to work together to decipher possible meanings and brainstorm on ways to interact with the bees. The frenetic gyrations were broken up into sections and then slowed down using a combination of film techniques and computer wizardry. Eventually, with much trial and error, a glossary of movements and potential interpretations of meanings behind the movements came together. There was a collective cheer on set when the director announced that Isabella Rossellini had agreed to participate in the wild endeavor.

          The multi-talented actor and model had been involved in creating the Green Porno Monologue TV series. The few crew members who had not seen the original performances were turned on to them. The work is a remarkable educational experience in which Isabella Rossellini, in fanciful costumes, depicts the sex lives of a variety of creatures including a whale, a duck, a snail, a praying mantis and, of course, a bee. All agreed; if anyone could devise a way to translate all their hard work into something that bees could appreciate, Ms. Rossellini was that special person. Ms. Rossellini and a local wardrobe designer worked feverishly to concoct an outfit that incorporated facets of bee physique with an intricate series of belts and pulleys that would allow Isabella to control the movement of wings, abdomen and two extra extremities. Meanwhile, Ms. Rossellini studied the slowed down movements of the buzzing messengers and hung out with bees any chance she got. When all was ready, the computer interface was activated and two stages and adjoining screens were illuminated with just enough brilliance to make them pop in otherwise drab surroundings. One stage/screen combo was about the size of a small guest bedroom, the other was about the size of a matchbox. 

         The interface was very tricky, but the tech savvy geniuses really earned their keep. The process was started by having Isabella run through a series of movements that were sped up and then displayed on the tiny monitor, which had been placed in a flower bush thriving with bee activity. The same routine was played over and over, at intervals, but Isabella was standing by in case there was ever a chance to interact in real time. Before long, a bee landed on the platform adjacent to the mini screen and seemed to be checking out the image. After a few seconds the bee started doing a peculiar exaggerated movement the crew had not witnessed before that was instantly videotaped, slowed down and telecast to Isabella’s screen. Ms. Rossellini rushed to her cubicle and excitedly viewed the new dance. She did her best to imitate it, and her version, sped up considerably, was provided to the bee. The bee repeated the wild maneuver then flew off to buzz a number of its compatriots. When the original bee returned to do the syncopated boogaloo with Isabella it had an audience of its workmates hanging out on surrounding leaves and flowers. As the bee and the Isabella wanna-bee traded versions of the latest move the other bees also mimicked the steps. At some point Isabella started doing some of the movements she had learned earlier and the bee tried to emulate them or did other movements, with which she was already familiar. From time to time, however, the bee reverted to the routine it had introduced the first time it checked out Ms. Rossellini’s performance and the other bees followed suit. This interplay went on for several minutes before Isabella started chuckling uncontrollably and said, “I think they’re laughing at me!”

          Hours passed as Isabella Rossellini and the bee danced for each other and appeared to bond. The bee didn’t seem to be tiring and Isabella was so wrapped up in what was going on she had no sense of time and no intention of taking a break. She started talking in a free association monologue, interspersed with buzzing sounds that shifted as her interpretation of her “dialog” with the bee progressed. “It knows I’m trying to talk to it”… “It wants to be understood”… “I’m trying to get it to focus on numbers”… “It can go through dances that correspond to the numerals one through ten”… “It really wants to communicate”… “There’s that zany laugh again”… One concept the bee introduced was the idea of “us” versus “them.” It was a laborious process, but it slowly dawned on Isabella that the bee and its hive mates were “us” and every other bee was “them.”  This came up spectacularly when Isabella was doing a series of dances that correspond to “hive,” “six” and “where?” The bee became excited and added the “us” and “them” movements, along with some directional and distance movements. Isabella followed along and went into rambling free association mode again. “Them way to the east… hive is six”… “Them very south… hive is six“… “Them beyond the other them… hive is six”… “Six… Six… Six… Everywhere Six…” “Our hive goes to seven”… As she repeated this last series of movements the bee started laughing so hard it almost fell off the miniature platform. The other bees also began laughing uncontrollably and flitted in and out of the flower bush. Then they abruptly flew away.

          Over the next few days the film crew tried to establish another link with a receptive bee, but the bees refused to have anything to do with them or their minuscule stage and video screen. The footage was fantastic, but it would be practically impossible to convince an audience that Isabella Rossellini was actually conversing with a bee. She could just be making it all up on the fly (no pun intended) and subconsciously channeling “This is Spinal Tap” as a way to humanize the bees and substantiate her belief that the bees were actually imbued with a sense of humor. The idea was floated of finishing the film and marketing it as “Bee Baffle - The Documentary (Mocumentary?),” but that did not sit well with anyone outside of a few financial backers who expected at least some pay back. It was established that the date the film wrapped up shooting corresponded with the approximate date the Essex County bees went back to constructing their hives with the bee standard six-sided hexagon motif. This was posited as proof that the bees had made their little joke with the film crew and had moved on, but the vast majority of reputable people opted to believe it was just a coincidence. The truth of the matter may never be resolved. Every witness to the events that transpired during the filming, however, claimed to have had goose bumps throughout the experience and have never admitted to any trickery or dishonesty.   

P. Edwin Letcher – Copyright 2024